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Thursday, November 10, 2005


FSM Commandments

Last night, while working at an Italian restaurant, a funny thing happened to me. Immediately that evening I felt a presence much higher than myself. Preparing a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs, the dish erupted into flame and I recognized the visage of the great Flying Spaghetti Monster, and I fell prostrate. He said to me "Andrew, take these beer bottles. Enscribed on each one is a law which my followers must obey, lest they be led astray." The bowl of spaghetti then ceased to burn, and here I was with several empties. They read:

1. I am the Lord your Flying Spaghetti Monster who brought you out of the land of Kansas, out of the house of bondage. You will have no other Intelligent Designer before me, and Bobby Henderson is my prophet.

2. You will take the Lords name in vain. Often. Especially the one they call God, because I like to see the look on his religious wacko's faces.

3. Keep holy the sabbath day. Each Friday drink in excess and if possible dress like a pirate.

4. Adultery? Not a big deal, really. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I, your Lord, will not take points off if it happens.

5. But stealing, try not to do it.

6. If your neighboor is being an ass, it is perfectly fine to accuse him of being a child pornographer to the FBI.

7. Think about your neighboor's wife as much as you want. The grass is probably greener on the other side anyways. Assuming she has grass.


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